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Posts Tagged ‘humor’

FatBats

So yeah, there’s some seasonal issues that happen for me in fall.  This week I commenced the traditional announcing of the things I deem stupid, which currently are: lengthy discussions of the internet of things, hipsters, and FitBits – probably because I’m not “fit” and it’s a(n immature) way of handling my jealousy of the fit.

Me:FITbits.” (snort)  “You know what I’M gonna invent? FatBats.”

Him: “FatBats??”

Me: “Yup. When I reach for another cookie, someone grabs a FatBatTM and conks me over the head with it.”

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I Can’t Call You “Al”

Will I ever stop reading “AI” (aka artificial intelligence) as “Al” (some guy named Al)?  It gets me every time!  I start reading an article and become so puzzled at headlines like:

“16 reasons why top researchers are obsessed with AI”, or

“AI ‘just an ordinary part of our lives,’ already optimizing business operations, says researcher”, or

“Mattel is already launching the ultimate AI for your child”

Who is this Al character?, I wonder each time.  Inevitably, the article will spell out the acronym and I will realize once again I thought I was reading about Al, the one-name phenomenon (a la “Oprah” or “Cher”).  You’d think since this keeps happening I would not be taken in the next time, but, nope. This morning I was puzzling over an RSS feed topic, “Al and Learning.”  Who’s Al?, I wondered.  The new Secretary of Education?

Ugh.  Hopefully they are building machines to learn from experiences better than I do!

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fine print

I haven’t read a full instructional pamphlet that comes with medication in a long time. I recently filled a new prescription so I thought, hey, I should read thru it, I’d like to know what to look out for.

The pamphlet listed the following serious side effects that may occur:

  • spontaneous nose-hair combustion
  • overwhelming urge to read all of James Patterson’s novels
  • drinking from the toilet
  • intermittent inability to say words beginning with “M”
  • singing in Esperanto while asleep
  • restless eyebrow syndrome
  • ferret collecting
  • winking at authority figures
  • sudden softening of teeth
  • line dancing
  • speaking only in haiku
  • the emission of wet-dog smell

I’d be a lot more concerned if I wasn’t already dealing with several of these in my day to day life. The irony is, I’m taking the medicine to help my RES (restless eyebrow syndrome)! Go figure!

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Reachables

Capture

Charles Barsotti, New Yorker Collection

Maybe I can’t keep myself from being nervous, shaky even, about driving around other people’s kids for a field trip (“Precious cargo! Precious cargo!”). But I’ve been able to contain the worry to a little bit over a couple of days rather than an agonizing amount starting the week before. That is a victory.

Maybe the house won’t be transformed into a palace of tidiness and efficiency, ever. But I can neaten one closet to make things a wee bit easier. That is still a victory.

Maybe the program I’m studying won’t lead to anything substantial, or lucrative. Maybe I’ll find I kind of stink at it. But it’s on someone else’s dime, and I won’t have regrets about not trying it, and I’m keeping my mind engaged (and probably away from ruminating). I’ve earned the right to stumble, and stink at something.

“Possible, but not probable.” This was my high school geometry teacher’s pet phrase, and it comes back to me sometimes when I am stewing and fretting over something silly. Will I drive the classmates into a lake? Will HGTV show up unexpectedly at our home as part of a new reality show called “Hideous Hovels & the Freaks Who Dwell There?” Will my instructor do some distance learning equivalent of pointing and laugh at my assignments?

Possible? Always. But probable -?

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Six LinkedIn Recommendations that Never Got Approved for Publishing on Recipients’ Profiles:

1) If this is the Randy Jones I worked with in Accounting? Uh, total d-bag. He made a LOT of people in my department cry, and I caught him stealing out of other people’s lunches on more than one occasion. If this is the other Randy Jones – in Purchasing I think? – seems like a pretty nice kid.   Doesn’t talk much.

 

2) I’m writing an “addendum” because “apparently” there are no recommendation “takebacks” on LinkedIn, and I wrote my recommendation for Deedee, “BITD” (back in the day). Like, when she was still showing up regularly and stuff. It sucks, because this was the only recommendation I’ve written here and it was from when she was a whole different person. So now I look like some ass with poor judgement or maybe a big liar. That’s the thanks you get for putting yourself out there.

Anyhoosie . . . does anyone know how to get just the digest emails from the LinkedIn groups? Cuz I’m getting a ton of stupid posts about job openings I don’t care about. I tried looking at the FAQ page but IMHO there was nothing helpful there. Maybe they should call it IAQs. L-O-freakin-L!! Thx for any tipz or trix you have about this – just send to bubblz88@frinklmail.huh.

 

3) I advised Chad on multiple occasions that he has neither the stamina, patience, nor skill to be a chef. He always had an aptitude with numbers, so I encouraged him to perhaps pursue a career in Finance or Business Administration. Though Chad frequently requests my input on his career path, he rarely acts on my suggestions, at times inexplicably seeming to make a choice simply because it was in opposition to what I recommended.

So. Who was correct about Chad’s prospects, and who was not? You be the judge.

 

4) Dear Sirs. I worked with Lisa for 4 months at the Dubuque branch. I don’t remember much about her except that I know she’s very fond of Precious Moments merchandise. Oh, and she is very into her Bible study group. Actually she was always inviting me to go, but I never went, primarily because they met on Must See TV night.

 

5) This guy . . . seriously! I’ve been, like, totally trying to get someone to sue me ever since this guy passed the bar. Seems like someone’s always trying to sue you except for when ya want them to, am I right? Prolly I should first find out if he’s one of those defends-you kind of lawyers though. I’d give my life for this guy, I seriously would, not that you asked. I’m totally offering this up on my own free will. I’ll tell you something – this guy, he’s the only person I’m still on speaking terms with from our pissant home town. Including my folks.

MA IF YOU HAVEN’T FIGURED OUT WHY BY NOW, I AINT TELLING YOU.

Remind me the question?
 

6) Meh

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