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Archive for the ‘ranty’ Category

When it comes down to it, I’m a bit of of a rube.  Online articles keep reeling me in and then disappointing me.  Damp squibs, if you will.

They will say things like, “The Real Key to Happiness (Spoiler: it’s not more stuff!)” or “A Simple Way to Dial Your Anxiety Down”.  And the answer is always (drum roll please) . . . mindfulness and/or meditation.

Look.  I’m not saying mindfulness and meditation aren’t effective.  I might even be able to corroborate these claims if I could stick to a practice with the same diligence as seeking out Clefairies in Pokémon Go.  I’m just saying it would be refreshing if we could all hear a bit more about the OTHER things that help to make humans happy and let off steam.

I want to see the article whose answer is:  “Limoncello!”  Or, “Punching stuff!”  Or, “Exploring Awkward Family Photos!”

Or maybe I don’t need to see it.  Because maybe I just wrote it.

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1. Jeggings
2. Special Zombie versions of classic books
3. Steampunk
4. Jeggings!

 

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Insert Cliche Here

What’s the overused cutesy or cliche phrase that irritates the tar out of you?

Does, “Workin’ hard or hardly workin’?” make  you see red?
Or does “It is what it is” make you want to scream?
How about, “TGIF“, “It’s a livin!,”  “There’s no crying in baseball”, “No soup for you“?

Well, the above phrases don’t bother me much.  But there is one that makes me mutter, roll my eyes, and bare my fangs all at the same time.

I know you’ve seen it.

It’s usually in a wanted ad for some rinky-dink local business.  in large bold letters at the top – because the writer of the ad thought it was so clever that that was really the thing to catch a candidate’s eye.

It is (deep breath): “Here we grow again!”

Here we grow again.  Deliver me.  My poor spouse has had to hear me go on at length about how I’d never apply for a position using that phrase in its ad, on principle.  If  you are a greenhouse, then maybe, MAYBE, you use that phrase and not make me want to bonk you over the head with a stack of newspapers.

Otherwise, do not use this horrible groaner!  Look, I’m a lover of puns.  I have no problem with puns.  The funny ones.  But this one, I don’t know, it rankles.  Rankles!  We need to send a  message people.  Take it to the streets.  Who’s with me?

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A Quarter To WTF

If ever there was a justification for a “Misc” or “Other” box on a form, I believe it is below.  Trying to set up PT has been a pain in the rump, b/c some people just won’t use their brain!

The person at the office I’m working with:
1) keeps interrupting me
2) keeps calling my cell phone whose # I said was just for backup
3) wanted the date of the injury.  I let her know it’s arbitrary, as it is an injury that came on slowly from repetitive motion, but she can use 1/23/12.

Then she asked for the time of injury.  I said, no time was reported on the worker’s comp form, as it is an Injury. That. Came. On. Slowly. From. Repetitive. Motion.

She sez, “You need to just give me a time for the form I have to complete.”
I say, “OK, how about 3 o’clock?”.
She sez, “P.M.?”
“Sure!” I say brightly.  I may have shouted.

So apparently at 3 p.m. on 1/23, I had a jolt like Obi-Wan in Star Wars movie 4 and felt as though a million nerve endings were crying out for help and sensed that it would continue to get worse over the coming months.

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Double hockeysticks

If there is a hell, I don’t think it’s fiery.

I think it is damp, and cold.  And grey.

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Disheartening

There are roughly 9 dozen “lifestyle / gossip / fashion” magazines in our local library, and precisely one art magazine and one history magazine – and not even one of the better art magazines, one that is a glorified art supply advertisement.  Oh, and I think I spotted 2 science-related magazines.

I’m not saying don’t include Lucky, More, Cosmo, Vogue, Elle, Glamour, Self, People, Vanity Fair, GQ, O, Rachel Ray, Good Housekeeping, House Beautiful, Better Homes & Gardens, Teen People, Seventeen, Young Miss, Esquire. And I’m not saying I don’t while away hours in my doctor’s and hairdresser’s waiting rooms glancing at People. But for chrissakes, can we balance it out with a little substance in a public library?

I’m sure the counter argument is, we give ’em what they want. But there’s a bit of the self-fulfilling prophecy that may be at work. Sometimes folks may not know what else they want unless they get a chance to be exposed to it. Let’s reach a little higher here, people. Let’s give the reading public the benefit of the doubt. Let’s throw “Scientific American Mind” and “Mother Jones” and “Brain, Child” and “Art in America” and “Bust” and “Bitch” and “Nature” and “Skeptic” and “Paste” (do they even make “Paste” anymore?) alongside a few of these others.  How about something with, heaven forbid, GLB content?

And yes, I have asked. I think the next step is I may buy a few gift subscriptions for a year for the library and hope people read them and they decide to renew them.

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The current twin trends in nonfiction of micro-histories and ridiculously long secondary titles have produced some awful names.

See if you can figure out which 3 titles below I made up and which 3 are real:

  • Bloomers: The Underthings that Overachieved;
  • Cod: A Biography of the Fish that Changed the World;
  • Mauve: How One Man Invented a Color that Changed the World;
  • Olive U: The Orb that Jumpstarted an Educational Frenzy;
  • One Good Turn: A Natural History of the Screwdriver and the Screw;
  • Shoelaces: How a Young Boy’s Dream Transformed a Nation;

Apparently I may, at any given moment, be eating, wearing, or fixing things with an item that CHANGED THE WORLD.  Hey you there in line – did you know you’re holding  the menstrual aids and ointment that SAVED A NATION?

If I ever wear mauve shoelaces while eating cod I might very well pee my bloomers with awe.

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